Humour, ripped and burned

Here are some funny quotes. Aditi, you'll love this..

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead."
Woody Allen

"I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away."
Nancy Mitford

"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
Red Buttons

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
Groucho Marx

"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."
Woody Allen

"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."
Woody Allen

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
Jack Handey

"I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid."
Jack Handey

"Once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."
Eleanor Roosevelt

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
Socrates

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
Ed Furgol

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
Henny Youngman

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
W C Fields

"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."
Woody Allen

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."
Woody Allen

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
George Burns